I am only valuable if something outside of myself decides so*
*yes consciously I know this is absolutely incorrect!
I journaled further on my intention to lean in to surrender (background in recent Reel he he) in every aspect of my life this year.
The rabbit hole of beliefs and stories that came out didn’t shock me as such, but the depth that they are still impacting my life crapped me off a bit.
- If I can’t hold his attention then what I have to say has no value.
- Love is being able to give someone your full attention all the time or when they want it.
- He doesn’t really love me if he doesn’t want to listen to me.
- He is shaking me off, he is embarrassed by me.
I am taken back to a time when I was about 11. I was at a Harvery Norman with my Mum, Dad and sister. I was in a sparkly mood (I mean hey, I was a silly and whimsical kid this happened at lot lol). I remember walking in between my Mum and Dad and linking their arms with mine. We walked for a few moments and then they both shook me off. They were likely going in different directions to look at a lounge we wanted to buy, or perhaps it was something else.
But my little brain felt rejected and embarrassed.
Perhaps it was the feelings and stories I created from this event, and other similar ones that kept me a serial monogamist during my teenage years and early 20’s?
Chasing the love high and desiring the connection, yet protecting myself from the fall out by running first. By shutting down emotionally first. By finding evidence that backed up the beliefs I had that were trying to keep me safe.
All of this ultimately coming back to an inherent feeling of unworthiness in myself. Of a lack of deep deep unconditionally love for myself.
Because I had been conditioned to believe that this love has to come externally by our culture. That I must put this external validation on a pedestal.
And that’s one of the reasons why I can’t truly allow others around me to meet their own needs without me making assumptions about what that means for my own worth.
Does this resonate with you and your experience at all? What ways are you seeking to control an outcome to ensure you continue to feel safe?