Day 42 continued - falling in love with me

I made the decision a long time ago to fall in love with you.

But it hasn’t been an easy ride.

I am still wading through stories of hate that were layered on me over a lifetime.

Its not your fault, you have always done everything you could.

But it’s not mine either.

I want to be your friend, I truly do.

There have been flickers of moments over a lifetime that saw me glimpse what it would look like to love you;

Then the light would fade back under the cloak of expectations and visualisations that you did not meet.

Broad shoulders, no waist, small head, big mop of curly hair, small breasts, average to small height.

I pushed away the desire to love you, because how could I? You did not fit the mould of what was loveable.

Bit by bit I have started to let you in, I have stopped buying into the narrative being fed to me, to us.

Your shape is beautiful. The way you move is divine. You give me so much everyday and I am truly grateful for you.

I am still cycling between loving and accepting and shame and judgement. I still feel the need to say out loud that I have made the decision to love you, but at the same time point out the flaws I see; so that people know I can still see them to.

I don’t want to be this.

I don’t want to see the imperfections.

Because they are not imperfections.

They are perfectly you.

And you are perfectly glorious.

Thank you to my baby girl for bringing me so firmly back into my body in a way I have never experienced;

For forcing me to not just continue to change and be aware of what I say out loud, but what I think in my head.

It’s time to let go completely. And love this body deeply.

It’s time.

I’m out diet culture, I’m out censorship of women’s bodies, I’m out being told I can’t take up space, I’m out looking for external validation.

Bye. I need to be and do more for my daughter and my son.

It’s time.

#90EmotionalDays#Day42#ForthTrimester#Motherhood#GoodEnoughMother#BodyLove#MyFourthTrimesterProject#matrescence#MumOfTwo#SecondTimeMum#Newborn#Toddler@nayyirahwaheedwords

Image: Bright pink background with the outline of pale pink breasts at the top of the image. At the bottom is text.