Day 13 - My first several hours alone
Today Miss E and me are spending our first several hours together, just us two.
We have been together as a family for nearly two weeks, Mitch has been around every day and only had a small number of short stints away from the baby (I’m on boob demand so not going anywhere alone any time soon lol).
But this morning, Mitch and Mr F headed off to a second birthday party. This will be the longest he has been away.
I noticed how I felt in my body as I waved them off and gave them heaps of kisses (Mr F: ‘Give me lots of kisses on the head Mum’). I felt 💫 calm 💫. I felt 💫 capable 💫. I felt 💫 excited 💫 about all the nap traps, the comedy I was going to watch and writing I was going to do whilst they were away.
This made me think about my first time alone with Mr F. The uncertainty and anxiety of having to trouble shoot by myself felt too much, my nipples were cracked and I was using nipple shields, I was in the midst of adjusting to sleep deprivation and listening to every single piece of external guidance from experts and ignoring my intuition.
I dreaded being left alone.
I felt isolated and scared.
I felt exhausted and overwhelmed.
I felt lost.
‘What if I didn’t know how to take care of my baby?’ ‘What if something happened?’. The spirals and catastrophizing happened often.
The difference in me this time is not even remotely comparable. I am not the same human. The trust I have in myself now is effing astronomical. My ability to connect with myself and express my needs and wants has improved exponentially.
And as I get ready to finish writing this, I look at my clock and it is 12.22pm. I am big on angel numbers so I will finish with this affirmation inspired by 222.
💖 I am experiencing a new beginning. All of the work I have done on myself over the past nearly three years has paid off. I am capable. I am grounded. I am incredible, just as I am 💖.
What sparks joy for you when you get time to yourself? Or even a quiet moment off poo patrol?
Image: Me sitting on the lounge holding Miss E to my chest and shoulder. I am placing my check to her head, looking down.